I seen so many things I ain't never seen before Don't know what it is I don't wanna see no more....Thank you Three Dog Night

How healthy is the emotion anger? Is it healthy to get mad as hell? Is it healthy to be so angry that you want to commit an act of violence? I am truly guilty of having violent thoughts. This led me to feeling very guilty. I have to ask, should I feel guilty? I am not sure. I am a law abiding citizen and I never break the law. I do not understand the mentality of someone that does.

We are hardworking people, we are honest, we pay our taxes, and we help people as much as we can. I feel like such a victim and frankly violated. Our neighbor calls me today to let me know that he thinks someone is squatting in our shell of a house. The first thing I felt was red hot anger that someone could actually go that far.

I went by the house and got the license plate number of the strange car, plus a description of it. I was going to let it go because he had called the police. Then as Scotty pointed out I needed an incident number for our records. On Tuesday I am calling our insurance agent and telling him to get on the demolition. It has to come down. No more Mrs. Nice Guy. This is ridiculous. I think that the house has been violated enough.

I met with three officers at the house. At first we had a misunderstanding because one of the officers had been there this morning and he felt the house was unsafe to go into. I agreed whole heartedly. It is not safe at all, the house is gross. The three officers did go into the backyard and they are “logging” the car in. Whatever that means. I do know that one of the officers moved his car so that he was blocking the car in. Not bad deed goes unpunished.

My anger has receded and quite honestly the 25 minutes I spent waiting for the officers to arrive I was pretty scared. I don’t know what kind of person is in there. I was so relieved to see the officers arrive like the cavalry. Music sounded in my ears. Yes, I am still a bit angry but I am no longer afraid. They came and took care of us. J

The beat goes on, the beat goes on Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain La de da de de, la de da de da......Thank you Sonny and Cher

The morning of the fire we stood and watched it burn. It was hypnotic. We were caught and could not look away. I remember standing on the sidewalk across the street with Kacy while I could hear Kody in the backyard screaming that they were going to die. I remember hearing Loren screaming for Annabel. We thought the dogs were trapped in the house. I remember Scotty yelling at Loren to break his bedroom window. We thought the dogs were in the house. Scotty was pacing back and forth like a caged lion trying to figure out how to get them out.

George from next door was tearing fence boards off try to get them out. Only it was in an area that didn’t reach the backyard and it just wasn’t safe where he was. It was right off of the garage. I was yelling at Scotty to go into our neighbor Linda’s yard and break down their fence to get them out. He bruised his hand doing it. All this seemed to take hours to me. They got out and Loren had the dogs. Kody ran across the street and so did Loren and Scotty. My mom was slowly walking over. Loren ran back across the street and dragged her along. Twice that morning he took care of her.

About that time the first police officer showed up. As I said it felt like this was hours but it was mere moments. We stood watching black smoke pouring out of the house. I thought about the stupidest things while we were standing there. I worried about calling my niece and nephew because I didn’t want to wake them up. “Um hello our house is burning down. I just thought I would let you know.” Yeah not quite sure how the conversation went for sure. I don’t really remember. All I know is that I made the calls and they both were worried that there was a health issue. Thankfully it wasn’t that.

The first police officer that arrived put my mom in the backseat of his patrol car so that she was warm. He had the car running with the heater going full blast. He then had the unenviable job of having to evacuate the neighbors. Three houses each way. When he went around to street behind us to evacuate the ones behind us he went to Loren’s and my mom’s best friend’s house. She immediately wanted my mom to come over so she could take care of her. My mom wouldn’t leave.

It is unreal to sit here and relive this. I still want to cry over it, and I still won’t allow myself to cry. At least not around anyone. My nightmares are the things of horror stories. I close my eyes and I see things that are not real. Things that did not happen. The human mind is an interesting thing. It can show us things that scare us and it can show us things that amaze us. The dreams aren’t as long anymore and they are no longer all night. I think that being able to “talk” or write about it helps a lot. Thanks for being there for me, it mean so much more than you might ever know.

Hauling hazardous biological waste The light turns red you have no brakes And "Hard Copy" gets it all on tape So you can see the look on your face ......Thank you to The Bloodhound Gang

This post is going to be an angry post. This may not have my positive tilt towards things. Consider yourself forewarned. I have accepted things with grace since the fire. I have thanked the Lord, the firefighters, the Red Cross and hopefully everyone that has helped us in any little way. But this post I am going to address a different aspect.

This is to the pond scum out there. The jackasses that take advantage of a person when they are down. The creeps that have repeatedly broken into our burned out home and taken things. Yes, they are just things and they can all be replaced but the feeling of invasion is huge. It is at the point that no one feels safe about moving in. We are going to put in an alarm system while they are building the house.

They have been in so many times it hurts. Whenever anyone has gone to the house they notice something that is different. When does this stop? The house is a hazard. It is unhealthy it has been since the fire but now mold is growing from the moisture. Plus the fire damaged the upstairs bathroom so badly that black water is also in the house. I know I do not want anyone back in there.

When Scotty and Loren went back in a week ago it was to the point then that we decided that they would not go back in again until the rebuild begins. They found on the landing near where the front door should be all of Scotty’s tools packed into suitcases and bags. They were setting them up for their return trip. Kind of like their own layaway plans. These tools were deemed as a danger, that the heat made them unsafe. I called the insurance adjuster to ask her what to do. She said just leave it. We did.

We also found two hubcaps, the radio, and the side mirror from my 1965 Mustang hidden outside under the neighbor’s hedge. Scotty picked them up and threw them over the fence around the yard. We realize they will probably come back and get them, but we are not going to make it any easier for them. I hope they all never get rid of that awful smell of smoke. Not like me I know but frustration is a powerful drug. Peace out.

Misty water-colored memories Of the way we were Scattered pictures, Of the smiles we left behind Smiles we gave to one another.....Thank you Barbara Streisand

My mom has been getting really out of sorts lately. I understand in so many ways. This isn’t easy for any of us. Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out. Every time the house is looted we debate as to whether to tell her or not. I am always the voice of telling her. They don’t want to tell her because they don’t want to tell her but honestly I know that like me she would rather be told. Sometimes we try to protect a person but we end up hurting them instead.

She was starting to get really depressed. Especially since I have had to tell her that she is losing her beloved piano. She has had it since she was a child. It was built in 1906, it was a family heirloom. I knew she wouldn’t take that loss well so I contacted Trisha who is handling restoring the less than 15% of our belongings that they were able to rescue from our home. I had her bring the suitcases full of photos that my mom has kept over the years. Including her parents wedding photos.

Yesterday we sat down and went down memory lane. We looked at photos of her family, my dad’s family, my parents, my sister’s family, and my family. It was a great trip down memory lane. We had so much fun looking at them. I invited my niece Stephanie over because I knew she would want to join us on this journey. She was able to see photos of her mom as a child and that was really nice for her as my sister passed away in 2011.

My kids got to see those awkward photos of me as a kid. It wasn’t pretty. Lol! We spent a lot of time oohing and awing over these treasures. My mom’s mood really improved. This is exactly the medicine she needed. That we all needed. I was able to laugh over awkward photos of myself and everyone else. We saw photos of my grandparents on my dad’s side when they were young with her sitting on his lap. Really cute stuff. This was just what we needed. I used to get so angry with my mom because she had these suitcases of photos that she did nothing with. Now I am glad that she did. We still have two suitcase to go through. Won’t that be fun?

Heard the singers playin', how we cheered for more. The crowd had rushed together tryin' to keep warm. Still the rain kept pourin', fallin' on my ears And I wonder, still I wonder who'll stop the rain. Thank you, John Fogerty

I have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself that I have almost forgot that the rest of the world has problems too. The tornadoes in Oklahoma are horrendous. I sat yesterday looking at the pictures crying. These people lost everything. As Chris Cuomo tweeted yesterday his concern on where all the people would be able to sleep tonight. All of theirs friends lost their homes too.

Our loss was huge to us but it was not nearly as huge as this. These families lost their homes, theirs school, and their places of worship to name a few. The children lost their safe places. The places that they knew they could go to and be secure. These places are important to kids. My heart breaks for them. I cannot even imagine to feel their pain.

I saw photos that tore me up emotionally. I feel spent. I saw a photo of a man holding a child that was not obviously not his. He was hugging him and the look of raw emotion of his face said it all. I sat and cried as I saw it. To me this was one of those photos that stay with you for life. There are other photos like this for me. Growing up near Travis AFB in northern California we saw a lot of photos during the Viet Nam war and after.

The photos of former prisoners of war kissing the ground when they landed. Photos of kids running with looks of love on their faces running to their dads as they came off of the planes. These were the photos of my childhood memories. I still tear up. In life there are these moments. I see them now in the photos of the families in Oklahoma. There are other photos through life but these are the ones I thought of.

I want to leave you with a happy ending to ponder. I saw a video earlier of a faceless reporter talking to an elderly person and peering into her life. The lady was explaining that she had been sitting on a stool holding her beloved dog in her lap. When the tornado hit the stool was lifted in the air. Her house blew apart and she was buried under the debris. She was talking about how she laid there for a while until it was light and she realized that she would be okay. That she was back at the house to try and find her dogs body. The reporter spotted her dog. Her dog had survived the tornado and being buried in the rubble. It was alive. The lady started to cry. She said that the Lord had answered two prayers for her. She had prayed that she would live and she had prayed that the Lord spare her dog.

You say "Yes", I say "No". You say "Stop" and I say "Go, go, go". Oh no.

How do you fire someone? Do you say “gee I’m sorry but you just don’t do it for me?” Or “go away you bother me?” I have never had to do this before. Or should I say I have never had this opportunity before? Now I am face with doing that. When we whittled it down to 2 I just told him that I would call him. I mean the guy was calling me all the time.

I don’t want to cross the line. I want to sound strong and intelligent. But inside I am still that little girl. I am afraid that he won’t take no for an answer. I also worry about that fine line between lady/woman and bitch. In most things I am not worried about coming across as bitchy but you know this is business. I am woman hear me roar!! But, is there that line that you cross or am I caught in the past? Am I silly because I considered sending a thank you card and writing in their thanks but no thanks?

No, I will pull up my big girl panties and call him while I am out. Why am I calling while I am out you ask? Because this house is the black hole of Calcutta. There are only a few places that I get a signal to call out. I can text because of the Wi-Fi but no talking on the phone. Wish me luck! I will add that part when I get back!

Oh friends you would be proud. I called him and told him. He asked me why, I was nice. I didn’t tell him that I didn’t like him. I didn’t tell him it was because I didn’t like the fact that he played grabby on my leg. I am not a fan of that. No, I took the high road. I told him that we appreciated his bid but we decided to go another way. That it was a group decision. It was.

Our contractor we chose is a very nice family man. He owns the company and it is a big enough company that his company has been featured on HGTV’s show Curb Appeal more than once. The ideas for the house are great. We are going to make the master bedroom and the master bath accessible for a wheel chair. This is because my mom is not getting any younger and I want to make sure that she can have that.

Next time I think I may bore you with some plans. J

It's ticking away with my sanity I've got too much time on my hands It's hard to believe such a calamity I've got too much time on my hands.....Thank you STYX.

Too much……too much……too freaking much…..Togetherness is generally a good thing but like all good things there is a saturation point. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean that you love the person any less it just means that you need some me time. Time to be away. It’s not that I don’t love you but get the heck away from me feelings.

That is me today. I need to lock myself in my room and not answer the door. I need time to be by myself. I am starting to lose my writers block and I started to work on my book again. I was typing along at a real tear and my mother has decided that she wants to talk to me about the TV line up for Wednesday night. First off I don’t care about it, I might on Wednesday but today is Sunday. Secondly I am typing, I know you can hear the keys on the keyboard because you are right next to me. Oh wait you are deaf.

Yes, friends I am bitchy today. There I said it. It’s true. Those of you that really know are sitting there thinking “today?” As if it is any different. I sat here and said I don’t care yet she continues to yammer on. Then she requires a reply from me. How can I reply? I wasn’t listening because as I stated before I don’t care. So I get to sit and listen to it again. It took me three times to catch what she was trying to tell me and guess what? I still didn’t care.

No matter how much you love someone they can get on your nerves. Goodness knows I do. Some days I take great joy in it. Yes that’s right. I try. Lord help to find the patience to get along. I have dealt with all of the bad moods and tantrums from every one. Frankly I have done it with grace, and now I am ready to have one of my own. I think it is time for me to play hide and seek. I am going to lock my door and hide all of the keys. Good day friends!