It’s 1:03 am and I wake up in a cold sweat. I have had another dream. They aren’t always the same and they aren’t all scary but they are regular. I am like clockwork, if it is dark I am awake from a dream I have had. I think it is normal, we all have those moments in life that trigger them. Mine was jarring for me, I never thought I would come close to dying not once, especially not twice.
The first time was health issues and beyond my control. Well I would like to think so but I was in complete control of that to a certain point. I don’t talk about that time in my life to anyone. No one knows the whole story except maybe family members. I went in the hospital on April 4, 2007 and I woke up on April 28, 2007. I remember explaining my pain level to the triage nurse in the ER and the next I vaguely I remember is talking to my husband and he was explaining that they were moving me to ICU. Then it was April 28 and I was paralyzed on my right side. More on this another time.
The next near death was April 9, 2013. I walked down the stairs after being told by Kacy that there was a fire in our garage I was convinced that someone was overreacting. That Scotty and I would come downstairs and be able to turn the hose on and put out the fire. It wasn’t that easy not by far. No one overreacted, it was out of our control. We were set on a path. Destiny is written in stone.
April 9th I laid my head on a pillow and I could not sleep. The visions I saw when I closed my eyes were the things of things too scary to give words to. Anyone who knows me will tell you I am never without words to say. I started down the road of sleeping one or two hours a night and trying to exist. Not a great plan, unless you want to be so tired that you could sleep on your feet. I sat at lunch with my best friend and I am not sure what I even ate to tell you the truth and food is something I love.
Then the sleep started coming but I am awake every morning at 4 am. I wonder now if I will ever sleep past that time again. I am getting enough sleep to exist now and my memory is better. Thank goodness. Last night I saw my death in a dream. Frankly it scared me more than I can express to you. But what scared me the most was it wasn’t just my death I witnessed. I saw someone I love die. I heard myself screaming as I watched this person die. As I died in my dream I woke up. I could not sleep again for hours. I lay there in bed hugging a Duffy I got as a birthday present just yesterday. I didn’t want to wake Scotty because I didn’t want to have to tell him about my dream. I couldn’t it was too raw. It still is.
My wish is that tonight I dream of Disneyland and Mickey Mouse. Or of how I want to decorate the house when it is done. Boy do I have ideas about that. I am torn on our bathroom. I am torn between a villain or a Little Mermaid themed bathroom. Either one could be a lot of fun!! No matter what I dream I can almost guarantee I will be awake around 4 am.